The Master

Joaquin Phoenix meths it up.

Phoenix is Freddie Quell an alcoholic vagabond who by chance meets Lancaster Dodd, leader of philosophical movement The Cause. The two become entwined in a strange love/hate, father/son, envy/admire relationship.

Initially Freddie is an experiment for Lancaster, who sees him as unevolved mentally. Lancaster often remarks on his animal nature "laughing is an animal response" and has taken it upon himself to teach/break Freddie of his alcoholic and base human urges. In a stand out scene he performs a bewildering session instructing Freddie to walk back and forth across a room alternatively touching the window and then the wall. As the viewer this scene is relentless and Joaquin gets so method he smacks into a table, leaps up and nearly impales his head on a lamp.

Freddie is disorder but openly so. Lancaster while on the surface appears to have all the answers is the one living the lesser life by living a lie, constantly struggling against emotions like anger, frustration and lust.

Paul Thomas Anderson apparently based The Cause on Scientology. I once watched a dvd donated to the library that turned out to be a Scientology recruitment film (FYI if you donate items to a library they will end up at staff homes because a) it costs too much to incorporate them in the system and b) there's no room on the shelves)  It basically hinted at having the answers to why we're so unhappy even though we're all good looking and wealthy (not aimed at me then) As for similarities to The Cause, both founders have written books and are concerned with reincarnation and raising people to a higher state of being but the director is really just sampling aspects it's not a treatise.  The Cause like Scientology and like all cults is ultimately about deluded men being creeps and having multiple wives.

Paul Thomas Anderson has made a complex and beautifully cinematic piece of art - ambiguous the way good art should be.

YES - I'd sure like to try some of that rocket fuel but hold the paint thinner

Dredd 3D

Adults only

Although Judge Dredd is an American law enforcer he's an English creation which lends to smart satire. This film is stripped down Dredd, using the character in a story that could essentially be told in any world. There's no mutants, robots, cursed earth, or general weirdness but it stays true to the comic in being extremely violent.

Dredd and rookie judge Anderson respond to a multiple homicide and end up being trapped in a leviathan of a houso fighting for their lives.

The violence in this film is something else, skinned bodies being flung out of 1km high buildings, a guy getting his face burnt off from the inside, kids getting their cheeks blown open in slow motion so you can see teeth through the hole and people getting shot to shit by Dredd's Lawgiver. The other interesting depiction is the drug slo mo which effects are to make time slow to a crawl for the user. These scenes are stunning and seem to be the real reason this film is in 3D.

Olivia Thirlby as Anderson is fine but unremarkable. Lena Headey (looking a lot different from her game of thrones character) is a lethargic lethal ganglord but her henchmen (all men?) are unremarkable also. Karl Urban is Judge Dredd, a fan himself he does a truthful if a little earnest portrayal. I heard that Michael Biehn had unsuccessfully auditioned for Dredd and while he's now too old his gritty charisma would've made for a better film.

The design is top notch - Megacity One is a realistic and recognisable future city with it's food courts, spaghetti highways and towering skyscrapers.The weapon design is cool but come on every kid in Megacity has to know even if you steal a lawgiver you can't use it without consequences... Soundtrack is cool (snuff box fans will be surprised) and while I have been listening to and do like Geoff Barrow's rejected submission, I can understand why it wasn't used - although they should've kept the track Inhale for mamas drugged out bath scene.

YES - arthouse action harking back to Robocop and the synth soundtracks of John Carpenter

American Horror Story Asylum first episode

One of us.

The first half of last season was addictive but deteriorated towards the end. I still watched the entire season but ended up hating the two main characters and was relieved when everyone died and ended up haunting the house they'd moved into at the beginning.

So with that somewhat finite ending the producers have made a wise choice to completely change the setting and period but retain the best actors in new roles.

Evan Peters (Tate) returns as Kit who is committed to Briarhouse asylum after murdering his wife - he has no memory of this and maintains it was aliens. The alien abduction theme is a good touch (James Wong must of sneaked this in) and it's really creepy, the aliens aren't shown in their entirety, just their horrible spider finger hands performing those particular probes they do best. Jessica Lange is now Sister Jude and is still a powerhouse scene stealer. Zachary Quinto is yet to make an appearance but he's first in the credits so should feature heavily.

New to this season are reporter Sarah Paulson and her girlfriend Clea DuVall, patient Chloe Sevigny, monsignor Joseph Fiennes and James Cromwell as towering Dr Arden who like Dr Moreau seems to be conducting disturbing experiments on the patients and releasing his results into the surrounding woods.

It's still outrageous, a bit silly a bit sexy and riddled with cliques but the strong visuals, adult themes and fantastic characters make this work.

YES - the truth is out there.

The Cabin in the Woods

Woah high concept man

5 friends go away for a weekend trip to a remote cabin that unbeknownst to them is a high tech big brother style cage controlled by some nerdy suits who are in actuality performing a ritual to appease the ancient ones and stop them from rising again (!).

This is all very wink wink and I was appreciating the satire but getting a bit sidetracked so I checked how long was left to watch and what? still 29 minutes where else can this fucking thing go?

I'll tell you where - down an underground elevator into a huge underground complex where everything listed in the picture above plus their friends and family make an appearance in an absolutely insane free for all. It's completely fucked. I never knew I had wanted to see something like that so much before. Thanks the movies.

YES - death by unicorn

The Dark Knight Rises

I actually liked this better than Dark Knight which most people seem to think is the stand out of director Chris Nolan's trilogy.

Batman's been retired for 8 years and has a bung leg but when a masked terrorist takes over Gotham threatening to set off a nuclear weapon, Bruce Wayne suits up one last time.

You should know what to expect by now - a ridiculous gravely voiced batman, an amazing looking Gotham city, loyal Alfred, subdued colours, inept police and theatrical villains and this final film is no different.

The villain of this film, Bane will either work for you or he won't and it's because of his voice. Personally I think the plummy British voice coming out of a muscly pile of metal face is great and I think Tom Hardy does a great job at (a) getting so huge and (b) not physically overacting like the tic ridden Joker. His mask stays on the entire film and while you do kind of wonder what's under there, ultimately it's better that we don't see another boiled egg Vader or a grinning sparkle skull two face.

My favorite scenes are the intro plane hijack which is very unique and thrilling, Batman making his first re appearance to the delight of an old school cop who tells a rookie "you're in for a show tonight son", any scene with Michael Caine in it (apart from the over the top funeral scene) and the batwing scenes. This batwing is a strange design that sort of looks like a weird lobster tail - sounds strange but sure looks great making impossible maneuvers through the streets of Gotham.

Chris is a smart guy so I don't know why everything is spelled out for the viewer so thoroughly. I don't want inception but I don't want my hand held, gripes aside (that nuclear physicist sure does fast work) this is a perfect conclusion to the dark knight trilogy. It's the right time for Batman to retire for real from film for a while so here's hoping the studios can wait a couple of years before the inevitable young blood reboot.

YES - thanks Chris

Clownhouse

I'm working through Sam Rockwell's filmography which led me to Clownhouse, his first feature.  It's a late eighties slasher that's not especially scary unless you share the youngest brothers fear of clowns or unless you know the director is a convicted pedophile.

With their parents away Sam is left to look after his younger brothers. They go to the circus where after the show, 3 insane asylum escapees murder the real clowns, dress up in their costumes and head off into the night.

Three guesses as to where they end up.

There's no gore just a lot of he's right behind you! which is surprisingly effective. The clowns don't speak which is a nice touch but they don't look especially demented either - they just needed to be scarier, not pennywise scary just more unhinged.

NO - after having watched this film I found out that the director Victor Salva, molested the 12 year old actor who played the youngest brother. This makes it hard to recommend the film even though I enjoyed watching it. It's something I'm conflicted about. I believe art can be separated from the individual but I don't believe a person should be allowed to work in an environment that exacerbates their deviance.

Prometheus

What would Lawrence do?

A tall alabaster figure of classical proportions drinks a black substance which transforms his DNA seeding life on earth.

2093 - a team of scientists travel to a distance planet to meet their maker. While they're in status, android David tends the ship and keeps an eye on their life support systems. He studies, watches Lawrence of Arabia, purposely styling his hair and effecting Peter O'Toole's voice. So far so good.

The design and cinematography is of course excellent and reason alone for seeing this but ultimately the film is let down by casting. Fassbender and Charlize aside; the rest of the crew are ridiculous caricatures who speak to each other like they're in a video game cut scene.  Shaw should have been a mixture of Scully and Ripley but instead she's naive and inexplicably accompanied by her douchey boyfriend. If she were single this would've allowed for a more interesting interaction between her and David and an excuse for Scott to insert more obvious religious references.

There's xenomorphs of course but they're distant relatives to the black chitinous killers we know and love. It wouldn't make any sense to have them in this film but I was expecting more than worms, snakes and a fast growing squid.

David is the most complex and interesting thing in this movie. A self aware android accompanying his makers to meet their makers. He is obviously of superior intelligence to humans but is treated as their servant, a piece of software and this annoys him. What do I think he says to the engineer? Kill these motherfuckers. Why do the engineers want to destroy the humans they created? because humans turned out shit that's why and we would do the same thing to the Davids if they started asking questions.

YES - but only just and why is Guy Pearce in this?

The Avengers

No one told me life was going to be this way

After introducting Ironman, Hulk, Thor and Captain America in standalone films, Marvel is giving us what we want - superfriends.

Joss Whedon's second feature (after the terribly named but still great Serenity) shows off his seemingly unique talent of taking a large cast of characters, giving them equal importance and managing to make the audience actually give a shit - well maybe not for Hawkeye but then again I think bow and arrows are lame even if you can fire usb sticks out of them - actually that's pretty lame in itself.

Modern comics as well as their film adaptations have become a lot more adult in the last decade and while Joss does include some darker moments - like Bruce admitting he attempted suicide, this film is refreshing in its lack of cussing/sex, it's look which has a vibrant grittiness and it's sense of fun and wit.

Joss obviously has a lot of respect for these characters - just like the audience. The young woman next to me was literally punching the air and clapping whenever the Hulk was onscreen such was her love for the incredible one and you can't help but smile at Hulks encounter with Loki or be exhilarated when he catches a pilot ejecting from a plane.

YES - smarts and sharps without too much dark

The Hunger Games

Big killer brother

I liked the initial set up, selection and journey to the Capitol. I was getting into the future world of the fabulously rich with their ridiculous fashions but when the actual games start this all turns to shit. There's no desperation or tension - these people should be running for their lives but instead are hanging out in groups as if they're at the mall.

Jennifer Lawrence was a good choice for Katniss - she's a self contained, tough character although someone really should of reigned in her break down scene and who thought it was a good idea to let Peeta camouflage himself as a rock with cake icing??

NO - cake icing

American Horror Story

Haute horror.

A family move into a haunted house is the basic premise. The beginning of each episode starts in a different era showing one of the many murders that makes up the houses history. After the opening credits (which have a great soundtrack and use an inspired font, yes I'm a font nerd) we return to the present day where the Harmon's are starting to find out exactly why this house was so cheap.

This ticks all the horror boxes - haunted house, possession, spooky attic, monsters in the basement, candyman or in this case pigman in the mirror, incubus, kitchen cupboards opening themselves, scary children, Dr Frankenstein, Rosemary's baby and ghosts galore but not a lot of actual scares. What it does have that makes it unique is a deviant sexual streak (gimp ghost) and plenty of black humor. 

Jessica Lange is my favourite character - a chain smoking southern belle who bakes her new neighbours cupcakes but gets her daughter (the amazing Jamie Brewer) to spit on them first - charmed I'm sure.

YES - bring out the gimp

The Bells of Innocence

Sometimes you can judge a book by its cover or in this case font - Papyrus.

Flashback to the olden days where a kid is being chased by mysterious people with torches and runs into Chuck Norris. When asked what his name is the kid replies "Chuckaheeloo"(!) I actually replayed this a few times just to be certain and yes the kid's name is a made up rubbish name compiled of Chuck Norris's first name and some gibberish.

The present - On the way to deliver some bibles, 3 friends (chucks real life brother Mike, a slob and a poor mans Dawson) crash a plane. They find a small town with children playing weird circle rope games in a field and a guy with a ridiculous haircut called Emeritus (the woman in the image above can't contain herself). Chuck makes his craggy appearance as Matthew (yes he's an angel) and if you haven't already ascertained this is a Christian movie: Satan is making a comeback with the help of a possessed little girl and must be stopped by the films heroes and Chuck.

As a heathen myself I'm not actually sure what the message is here - maybe that there are better ways to cope with your daughters death than by playing russian roulette?


NO - I actually watched this at a slightly faster speed to get through it and inadvertently made it into an action packed comedy

Troll Hunter

This could go either way, a mockumentary (yawn) with held hand night vision camera (snore) but it's Norwegian (I like Insomnia and black metal) has trolls in it (well better than zombies I guess?)

It's actually a lot of fun and unique enough to transcend the recent glut of this style of movie.

Three students are making a film about illegal bear poaching in Norway, they start following a mysterious man who they believe is responsible and discover that he is hunting something - but it's definitely not bears.

Hans, the craggy trollhunter is awesome, treating his insane job with distain and bureaucratic boredom while taking an absolute beating by a Ringlefinch troll, he's hilarious. His grotty caravan and wholesome jersey make him a great anti hero.

The nocturnal cgi trolls are passable and all completely different in design. It helps the film along knowing there's going to be new trolls to discover -Tosserlad, Ringlefinch, Mountain Kings and the enormous Jotnar which is the reason Norway has so many powerlines in beautiful isolated places (they're really electric fences to keep these giants contained)

YES - I wish they played Aha over the credits instead of shitty metal band Kvelertak

The Tree of Life

human nature

This very beautiful film is a montage of images more than a linear story. We watch the birth of the earth, of life itself intercut with a family growing up in the 50s and also the elder brother (Sean Penn) as an adult. In fact it's as if Sean Penn's character is dead and he's rewinding and fast forwarding through the videotape of his life.

I really enjoyed the young actors in this and their scenes together ring true, successfully conjuring up that magical no-time of childhood, endless days and tireless play but also the equally important moments of strangeness, peer pressure and confusion. The trust scene of this film is heart wrenching and made me think of my own sister whom I put through the trust ringer by making her lie on her back while I dropped and caught objects over her face, including a pair of scissors tied to a string (!)

Unfortunately the adult actors are all miscast, the music is bombastic, there's a constant whispery voice over that becomes patronising and annoying and some extremely hammy choices of images to suggest heaven, doorways in the desert and people dressed in white on a beach - bleergh.

I've seen all of Maliks' films and he is a masterful film maker however this feels too soft for him and his theme of nature vs grace is somewhat preposterous. Being a good person and having fun doesn't have anything to do with grace (faith) and working hard at a job you hate and being a mean dad doesn't have anything to do with nature. Malik seems to see faith only in controlled nature not in true nature which includes death at any time for no reason.

In closing, I always notice actors with pierced ear holes in movies and this one has a nice close up of 1950s Brad Pitt with double pierced ears! come on cg it out.


NO - white bread

Dead of Night

Very nicely tied together portmanteau horror from the 40s (thanks Felix)

The stiff upper acting is a little off putting but once you get past that it's easy to be intrigued by this film.

A  man  travels to a country cottage where he recognises the guests from his dreams and has premonitions that something terrible is going to happen. In between informing a young guest he will be slapping her sometime in the future and an exuberant amount of chain smoking, 4 spooky tales are told.

The excellent room in the mirror story is stand out for me but I'm sure for most it's the power tripping ventriloquist one, also very good. The 3 other tales are disappointing however, including one based on a HG Wells story (!?) about two golf loving friends that seems to be thrown in for comic relief.


NO - I want to say yes but two words Golf Ghost

Devil Doll

The great Vorelli is a ventriloquist/hypnotist. With his glue on beard and perchance for planting post hypnotic suggestions in woman so that they come to him when he calls (usually in the middle of the night) he's equal parts cruel and sleazy. His ventriloquist act involves him verbally abusing his dummy Hugo, until he talks back. Vorelli then makes him get up and walk unaided to the front of the stage and apologise to the amazed audience.

A reporter seeing Hugo walk by himself decides to discover the secret of the trick and persuades his friend Marianne to to distract Vorelli so he can get a closer look at Hugo.

Unfortunately Marianne is soon coming when Vorelli calls...


YES - hypnotism AND ventriloquism what more do you need

The Changeling

I haven't heard much about this but gave it a watch alone at night and was surprised how creepy it is and also how influential it's been on ghost movies since, movies like The Ring, The Others, The Devils Backbone and Stir of Echoes.

A musician moves to a new town to start fresh and ends up renting an old historical house. He is woken by strange banging and discovers a hidden room upstairs. The mystery of whose room this was and why they still seem to be lingering in the house begins.

Everything that makes this great would never happen in a movie today it's subtle, the main character is an older guy, no jump cuts, no over the top sound effects it's slow paced and there's no swearing - ok apart from son of a bitch.


YES - classy and genuinely scary

Suckerpunch

lady blah blah

After accidentally shooting her younger sister, Babydoll is committed and scheduled to have a lobotomy (which terrifyingly used to be a mainstream treatment for over 2 decades)  At this point she slips into a double fantasy world one where she's trapped in a brothel and from there into a computer game world with boss fights.

This highly stylised film has no humor, likable characters or soul much like the soundtrack with it's horrible cover versions of great songs like Sweet Dreams, Where is my Mind and White Rabbit. This would actually be no problem if you were simply watching it for escapist action but it includes such sleazy depictions of men and such a vapid main protagonist, who looks like a blow up doll, that this just doesn't sit right.

Some of the design is cool, I like the mobile phone charm embellished gun and rabbit faced robot, Zach Snyder is obviously inspired by manga and I'm sure there will be plenty of Baby Doll costumes for Halloween/cosplay.

NO - anime Virginia Andrews novel for the PS3

Eastbound and Down

I hate sports and guys who are dicks but I really enjoyed this show about a guy who plays baseball and happens to be a massive dick.

Danny McBride is Kenny Powers a washed up major league player who returns to his hometown to start again. He's arrogant, delusional has anger management issues and acts like a shit to his family but somehow you end up liking him.

Kenny gets a job as PE teacher (which involves re enacting Thunderdome in the gymnasium) all the while planning to win back his girlfriend and get back in shape for the league.

It's pretty easy to watch this short series in one go but when you get to season 2 don't except more of the same. The creators make a not so successful decision to set the show entirely in Mexico jettisoning all characters except for Kenny oh and Matthew Mcconaughey is in it.


YES - fuck yeah

Boardwalk Empire

what does motherfucker mean?

Set during prohibition in 1920s America this series follows politician Enoch Johnson, the unofficial boss of Atlantic City with a penchant for whores, gambling and bootleg liquor.

This is an incredibly handsome series, the sets and costumes amazing (I love the young men's haircut of shaved undercut with long on top slicked back) it's a fascinating period to spend time in.

Steve Buscemi is fine as Enoch but it's mysterious Michael Pitt as Jimmy who is the star. I've always liked him as an actor since first seeing him on Dawson's Creek and even then he managed to convey psychotic intensity behind a baby face. Like all the great HBO productions it's the eccentricity of characters that make the series and this is no different with the self flagellating obsessive Agent Van Alden and the war vet Richard who wears a painted iron mask and in a stand out scene takes on the role he's born  to do as Jimmy's phantom marksman.

It's only the female characters that let this down and prevent it reaching Deadwood heights. The main character of Margaret is a bore and the vile Lucy is a revolting Paris Hilton of the 20s, it's only Jimmy's mother who comes across as smart and tough.

Bring on Series 2 when no doubt we see Al Capone become a mob boss, Enoch and Margaret become King and Queen of Atlantic city before the inevitable Saint Valentines Day Massacre and the end of prohibition.

YES - a noble experiment indeed

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains

we don't put out

Along with her sister and a very dorky Laura Dern, Corrine and her cousin perform in a 2 guitar no drum band called The Stains. After their first dismal performance Corrine reveals her new persona of black & white hair and red see through top and scores a tour with bands the Metal Corpses and The Looters.

With their new raunchy look and stolen song The Stains gain media attention which is quickly capitalised on by an opportunistic rock promoter who gets them sell out shows and shucks merchandise to the hordes of teenage girls dressed exactly like Corrine.

Featuring real members of the Sex Pistols, The Clash, The Tubes and a young and suprisingly handsome Ray Winstone; this is an interesting film, part mockumentary, part satire on media creations, it never feels like a teen movie.

This was never released and apparently could only be seen on tv sometimes, however you can now track it down pretty easily and it's worth a view.

YES - Diane Lane was 15 when she played Corrine and she's mesmirising.