Tales of the Black Freighter

It's no Castaway with Tom Hanks thats for sure.

In the book Watchmen, because there are superheroes in real life people read pirate comics. Intercut into the main story are stories from this pirate comic that one of the characters is reading. It was wisely excercised from Zack Zydners' film but being a completist he has included it on the ultimate edition of the Watchmen dvd.

It tells the story of a captain who is the sole survivor of an attack by the hellish Black Freighter. Marooned on an island he builds a raft out of the dead bodies of his crew and returns home before the Black Freighter can destroy his village. Needless to say he becomes a bit deluded on the way.

It doesn't work in this format - it's supposed to be seasoning to the story of Watchmen. Alan Moore loves that shit especially in League of Gentlemen which is full of  inserts and references, the purpose of these being to expand and flesh out the main themes. The Black Freighter is supposed to add to the main dish it can't satisfy on it's own.

I'm glad I saw this only because it tied up some loose ends for me. I have just read League of Gentleman Century 2010 which features lyrics to a song throughout the main story that I wasn't familular with. This song plays over the credits of Black Freighter and is "Pirate Jenny" by Nina Simone (a cover which she sings in her trademark terrfying manner)

NO - pointless.

Permanent Vacation

Sex a ma phones are not cool - ever. When were they? and why do Jim Jarmusch and David Lynch think they are? Watching someone playing the saxaphone makes me fell ill and slightly angry.

Permanant Vacation is Jim Jarmusch's first film and it really feels like it. It has all his favourite things jazz, people with black hair, people sitting around drinking black coffee, woman who don't really say anything and John Lurie but the main guy is a dick so it's pretty hard to get through.

It's about a guy who likes dressing sharp, dancing to jazz and talking about himself. He doesn't have a job or a home and hangs out with random people he meets (they're all bums or crazy or both) He's in some kind of relationship but can take it or leave it.

Ive seen all of Jim's films (apart from his latest Limits of Control) and he's got skills especially Ghost Dog, that is some advanced shit, but Permanent Vacation is missing the care factor. The main character's persona seems forced and all his interactions with other people are one sided - his side.

NO - too cool for school   

The Case Against Saxaphones

exhibit 1.

exhibit 2.


and in closing

The Bridge

Eric Steel recruited some people to film the Golden Gate Bridge in San Fransico for an entire year in which they captured a number of people jumping to their deaths.

And it's all sorts of people - old guys, young girls, middle age woman, guys dressed all in black they just fuckin climb over and off they go.

The film then shows interviews with friends and family and you find out that these people did have something in common in that they all had some form of mental illness some mild and some severe.

Apart from seeing the first person jump the thing that stuck out to me was when the guy who jumped but survived is telling his story about how he's on the bridge balling his eyes out about to kill himself, it's the worst fuckin day of his life and a tourist comes up to him and asks him to take a picture of her - she doesn't notice he's crying or anything. I think he took the picture and then jumped. I wonder if the tourist noticed him doing that?

YES - I really hope that I would notice someone on the bridge about to do this but I don't think so...  

Book of Blood

He's stripping off now you say? ok hit record and i'll be right over...

While teaching a paranormal class Mary notices a new student, Simon. She offers him a lift home one evening but he wont get in the car and later the tire blows out and she narrowly avoids an accident.

Simon leads Mary to believe he has psychic abilities and she asks him stay in a house where a violent murder took place. Strange things start happening during the night - well not really that strange, the usual really - lots of scribbling on the walls and whispering voices. Simon may or may not be faking these occurrences.

Mary and her tech assistant try to get to the bottom of things while Simon keeps stripping off in a number of fairly gratuitous cock shots.

This is alright but too long. It would of made a great hour episode of Masters of Horror better than the Clive Barker story they went with about a guy who turns into paper at the end - the horror! he's made of paper and it's blowing away in the wind!

Also the end annoys me - sure this is fantasy but if you set up some fantasy logic in your fantasy film then you should stick to it. When Simon appears in the ghost realm he has all his skin disregarding the way that he dies. The other ghosts including the girl who died in the house appear with the injuries that killed them. I guess they wouldn't have gotten that Patrick Swayze effect if Simon was waving goodbye with a raw red hand and skull face.

NO - if only it was more Candyman and less 13 Ghosts.  

    

                                                 

This movie is based on a story from the Books of Blood about a man who is written on by the dead. There are 6 Books of Blood by Clive Barker and there are some perfect stories in there - including my favourite that could never be filmed - In the Hills, the Cities. A couple road tripping in Yugoslavia come across a rival township with a fuckin crazee tradition of making giant men to fight each other. I hope I'm in the ghost realm before they try and film that one.

The Hurt Locker

Sniping or supermarket shopping?

This was made in 2008 but only had a very limited release which is a shame as this is a great film.

Set in Iraq, this movie is about a 3 man bomb defusing team and their 1 month assignment - checking suspicious objects found in the streets, cars and sometimes on people.

It's all starts off very steady cam, washed out filter but it turns into something else much more interesting when the character of Will is introduced. Will is a bit of a cock but a charismatic cock. He behaves recklessly and puts his team in unnecessary danger which seems to be tolerated because he is very good at what he does having disarmed over 800 bombs. Maybe the army would class him as a hero but I definitely would not. He absolutely has his own agenda and chooses himself over everything including his wife and son.

The other team members go from wanting to kill him to a cool removed respect, before finally coming to the realisation that Will is not normal.

Will chooses war because he loves it.

YES - way more interesting than you might think if you're the judging by covers type  

The Beastmaster

With his trusty beast companions, mark of the first born on his palm and his frayed loin cloth, Dar the beastmaster is off to revenge his dog and stepfather.

It's a familiar quest story with some weird bits - some witches transferrred his mother's pregancy to a cow, then cut him out and branded his palm. Somehow being in that cow must of given him his beast powers as he can command an eagle, a dirty tiger and two ferrets.

Marc Singer looks like a dummy and his sword skills are similar to a ten year old playing with sticks but he's likeable. Along the way he hooks up with a slave girl, a tough cunt and the kings son and together they set out to rescue the captured King and fight off the Jun army.

Beastmaster is a little bit Krull - Dar has a unique throwing knife boomerang.
A little bit Willow - comedy ferrets (Brownies) and the chosen one mark.
A bit Star Wars - he fancies his cousin
A bit like the Beat It video - where the tough guys all wear erotic leather pants with studs and a lot like the games you used to play at primary school during lunch hour.

YES - everyone involved seems to be having a good time but you'll leave it running while you get the washing in.

Penn and Teller Magic and Mystery Tour

These days they're doing their show Bullshit but before that they made this short series/doco about magic in China, India and Egypt which is the best television they've done.

Penn (the giant one with permed hair) and Teller (the silent one with a nice smile) travel first to China where they check out the water bowl trick the same one in The Prestige and strangest and kind of sadest of all they go to a Magic Amusement Park where acrobatics and magic is performed to them only - there is no other audience but I hope this is because it's the middle of Winter and usually it's closed or something.

In India they try and find someone who can perform the Indian rope trick for them. The Indian magic is all pretty brutal with lots of cutting of tounges and killing - especially sons but wives get their heads set on fire as well. They assist a street performer in an act but feel guilty later because they think that some of the people who bought the magic rings actually believe the rings will protect them.

In Eqpyt they visit a tomb which has hieroglyphs that apparently shows 2 fiqures with cups which some people think are evidence that the cup and ball trick was performed over 4000 years ago. They meet a pretty useless magician who "swallows" snakes but also meet a cup and ball expert who manages to impress Teller.

Throughout they perform some of their own magic and there's various cuts to people laughing for no reason like in Bullshit which I always find amusing.

YES - I wish Teller was my friend he seems so nice.   

The Andromeda Strain

This is based on a story by Michael "jurassic park" Critchon about a mysterious object that lands in an isolated town and releases a deadly virus. I watched the 1970s one but it's been recently remade for tv by Ridley and Tony Scott (those guys really need a hit) with z grade actors who all look way too fit and tan to be scientists, look how cool the 70s scientists are - they actually look like they could do some science. The other guys look like they know how to choose a quality sheet with high threadcount but science - no way.

Four top scientists are recruited and taken to a secret rainbow underground lab to conduct research on the possible ways to destroy the virus.

I watched it trying to imagine how cutting edge it would of been in the 70s. There's use of multiple screenshots at the same time (24), high tech robot hands, special surgery suits and the multi level lab that's a different colour for each level.

The town scene and weirdly enough the science scenes with the main characters applying their respective science to the virus are tense and interesting - it's all the inbetween scenes that are boring and it takes a long time to get into the swing of things.

The scene where they're testing the virus on animals is also unnecessarily realistic. The filmmakers choked 2 rats and a baby monkey with carbon dioxide to make them pass out and then revived the monkey (but probably not the rats)

NO - whoever is operating the camera is shithouse and it's a baby monkey for chrissakes!   

Eden Log

Then the roaring starts.

I have a huge problem with roaring monsters in movies. Sharks don't roar, mummies wouldn't roar, crocodiles and snakes don't roar and people definatley do not roar the only thing that roars is a fuckin lion.

In this film there are some mutant people who could have been genuinely creepy if they weren't all played by over the top performance art actors like that fuckin guy who is in all of Del Toros films with his excruciating flowery hand motions. It would of been a lot more sinister if they just kept to shadows and if they made a creepy sound like a whistling or a deer sound or no fuckin sound at all is better than roaring arrargh.

So a guy wakes up in the basement of some building and can't remember anything. He makes his way to the top encountering roaring monsters and guys with trees in their stomachs along the way. There are mysterious logos on the wall for Eden Log and tree roots coming in through the ceiling. Infact it all seems to have something to do with a huge tree.

The viewer gradually finds out what's going on as the protagonist does which keeps things interesting but this is low budget stuff and there's some film school quick music video cuts which only add cheese to the proceedings. Also an unnecessary rape scene which adds nothing to the plot and why the fuck would she follow him around aferwards? 

NO - The end is actually satisfying but too many cheesy aspects and very slow pace.

The Burbs

>
This is one of the movies I've watched the most along with Dead Poets Society, Real Genius and My Own Private Idaho. I decided to give them a rewatch starting with The Burbs from 1989.

Tom Hanks is on holiday but he doesn't want to go anywhere. He just wants to hang out in his white picket fence cul de sac home but there's some weird shit going down at his new neighbours house.

He becomes increasingly paranoid and obsessed with the Klopeks. Are they responsible for the missing dog? What are they burying in their backyard?

I enjoyed the rewatch but this time around I wish the ending played out differently with Tom's realisation of 'it's US not them!' being the final word instead of the last minute justification for their entitled, invasive, gun wielding, xenophobic actions.

YES - a beautiful day in the neighbourhood as long as you're cis white

Blue Sunshine

You're at a house party in the 70s - you know jazzy noodly music, everything is brown and orange, couples chatting, some guy starts pretending to be a bird, the host wants to take a group shot of everyone but then decides to sing a frank sinatra number instead. Suddenly he grabs someone elses girlfriend and starts kissing her inappropirately. The boyfriend steps in - "hey buddy"" and pulls him away but as he does so the hosts hair comes off in his hands. The host stares crazily at everyone before running off into the night.

More thriller than horror and not "trippy" at all like the name or cover suggests. There's some hammy acting by a grim faced guy who looks like a cross between sean pean and mike d from the beastie boys. It's about people who took a particular acid tab back in uni and are suddenly flipping out now in very bald violent ways.

NO - pace and editing is too weird 

Star Stories

Just like a $2.50 celebrity trash o rama magazines this is addictive stuff.

Each episode tells a satirical star story like how U2 formed or how Angelina stole Brad and while it helps to know who they're spoofing it doesn't matter that much.

Stand out episodes being Tom Cruise, Simon Cowell and George Michael all played by Kevin Bishop who is awesome and subsequently got offered his own show which unfortunately is shit.

YES - only 15 episodes doesn't outstay welcome.

Psychoville

I've done a bad murder...

A mysterious note arrives at the homes of a clown, mother and son, midwife, panto actor and a blind recluse. For the rest of the series we find out why.

Made by 2 of the League of Gentlemen (the piggy one and the angry one)It's a mystery and its funny - well if you find hooks for hands, excessive dandruff, siamese twins, dwarf porn, a serial killer musical number and blood transfusions given to dolls funny and I do.

This is great stuff and the characters quickly grow on you. It's all played straight with no laugh tracks unlike the first 2 series of League, sure we hadn't seen anything like these fucked characters before in a comedy show but I'll make up my own mind if I think it's funny.

Psychoville isn't as disquieting as the first time you watched League (although David and his mother have a queasy relationship in the first episode which wisely gets abandoned) but some of the characters are better and they all have the same underlining pathos that makes British comedy the best around.

There's only 7 episodes and I didn't want it to end - well until the actual end which is a bit of a disappointment as the writing seems to crap out but that's not until the very last episode.

I couldn't believe that the "cheer up" song that David and his mum dance to is a real song. It's Superman by Black Lace who also created such hits as Agadoo (I was made to sing and dance to Agadoo at primary school which is shithouse compared to the moves for Superman) Love this stuff and can't wait to see wait these guys come up with next.

YES - Not as good as League but way better than Funland 

Breaking Bad

Chemistry Mcgyver with meth.

I checked this out because it had Bryan Cranston (the dad from Malcolm in the middle) and I always liked him. This series is his golden ticket out of tv land he's won 2 emmys for it and is now being offered some movies finally!

Cranston plays a chemistry teacher who finds out he's dying of cancer. He's broke apparently, although they have a lot more shit than I do and a massive house, so decides to put his powers to good use and makes some laboratory grade meth to pay for his treatment and create a nest egg for his family when he's gone.

Initially you like Walt and Cranston is a great actor but after the first series he turns into such an unlikeable character that it's hard to sympathise with him. He becomes a killer, a lier and annoying. It's not just his character you'll hate but also his son with cerebral palsy (the actor really does have cerebral palsy but not as pronounced) his DA brother in law and you will especially loath his pregnant wife.

This series has had some great reviews but needs to work on making the questionable characters likable (Al Swearagan) otherwise no one will keep watching.

After the first season only a severed head on a tortoise which has a bomb strapped to it keeps things interesting. There's a third series in the works but I'll be giving it a miss unless they get some new writers.

YES - but first season only  

Wendy and Lucy

Low key but very affecting film with the type of female character you don't see often - single, loner, just getting on with the shit slog that is looking for a job, fixing your car and dealing with fuckwits. Michelle Williams is Wendy who along with her dog Lucy is driving to Canada because shes heard there's seasonal canning work there.

It's a slow moving piece, lyrical and shot beautifully. Michelle's acting is extremely subtle and shows a quiet strength which you can't help think is coming from the fact that she recently lost the father of her child in real life.

A lot of people will see this one as a downer especially with Wendy losing Lucy but this is real life so what do you expect?

YES - beautiful