American Horror Story

Haute horror.

A family move into a haunted house is the basic premise. The beginning of each episode starts in a different era showing one of the many murders that makes up the houses history. After the opening credits (which have a great soundtrack and use an inspired font, yes I'm a font nerd) we return to the present day where the Harmon's are starting to find out exactly why this house was so cheap.

This ticks all the horror boxes - haunted house, possession, spooky attic, monsters in the basement, candyman or in this case pigman in the mirror, incubus, kitchen cupboards opening themselves, scary children, Dr Frankenstein, Rosemary's baby and ghosts galore but not a lot of actual scares. What it does have that makes it unique is a deviant sexual streak (gimp ghost) and plenty of black humor. 

Jessica Lange is my favourite character - a chain smoking southern belle who bakes her new neighbours cupcakes but gets her daughter (the amazing Jamie Brewer) to spit on them first - charmed I'm sure.

YES - bring out the gimp

The Bells of Innocence

Sometimes you can judge a book by its cover or in this case font - Papyrus.

Flashback to the olden days where a kid is being chased by mysterious people with torches and runs into Chuck Norris. When asked what his name is the kid replies "Chuckaheeloo"(!) I actually replayed this a few times just to be certain and yes the kid's name is a made up rubbish name compiled of Chuck Norris's first name and some gibberish.

The present - On the way to deliver some bibles, 3 friends (chucks real life brother Mike, a slob and a poor mans Dawson) crash a plane. They find a small town with children playing weird circle rope games in a field and a guy with a ridiculous haircut called Emeritus (the woman in the image above can't contain herself). Chuck makes his craggy appearance as Matthew (yes he's an angel) and if you haven't already ascertained this is a Christian movie: Satan is making a comeback with the help of a possessed little girl and must be stopped by the films heroes and Chuck.

As a heathen myself I'm not actually sure what the message is here - maybe that there are better ways to cope with your daughters death than by playing russian roulette?


NO - I actually watched this at a slightly faster speed to get through it and inadvertently made it into an action packed comedy

Troll Hunter

This could go either way, a mockumentary (yawn) with held hand night vision camera (snore) but it's Norwegian (I like Insomnia and black metal) has trolls in it (well better than zombies I guess?)

It's actually a lot of fun and unique enough to transcend the recent glut of this style of movie.

Three students are making a film about illegal bear poaching in Norway, they start following a mysterious man who they believe is responsible and discover that he is hunting something - but it's definitely not bears.

Hans, the craggy trollhunter is awesome, treating his insane job with distain and bureaucratic boredom while taking an absolute beating by a Ringlefinch troll, he's hilarious. His grotty caravan and wholesome jersey make him a great anti hero.

The nocturnal cgi trolls are passable and all completely different in design. It helps the film along knowing there's going to be new trolls to discover -Tosserlad, Ringlefinch, Mountain Kings and the enormous Jotnar which is the reason Norway has so many powerlines in beautiful isolated places (they're really electric fences to keep these giants contained)

YES - I wish they played Aha over the credits instead of shitty metal band Kvelertak

The Tree of Life

human nature

This very beautiful film is a montage of images more than a linear story. We watch the birth of the earth, of life itself intercut with a family growing up in the 50s and also the elder brother (Sean Penn) as an adult. In fact it's as if Sean Penn's character is dead and he's rewinding and fast forwarding through the videotape of his life.

I really enjoyed the young actors in this and their scenes together ring true, successfully conjuring up that magical no-time of childhood, endless days and tireless play but also the equally important moments of strangeness, peer pressure and confusion. The trust scene of this film is heart wrenching and made me think of my own sister whom I put through the trust ringer by making her lie on her back while I dropped and caught objects over her face, including a pair of scissors tied to a string (!)

Unfortunately the adult actors are all miscast, the music is bombastic, there's a constant whispery voice over that becomes patronising and annoying and some extremely hammy choices of images to suggest heaven, doorways in the desert and people dressed in white on a beach - bleergh.

I've seen all of Maliks' films and he is a masterful film maker however this feels too soft for him and his theme of nature vs grace is somewhat preposterous. Being a good person and having fun doesn't have anything to do with grace (faith) and working hard at a job you hate and being a mean dad doesn't have anything to do with nature. Malik seems to see faith only in controlled nature not in true nature which includes death at any time for no reason.

In closing, I always notice actors with pierced ear holes in movies and this one has a nice close up of 1950s Brad Pitt with double pierced ears! come on cg it out.


NO - white bread

Dead of Night

Very nicely tied together portmanteau horror from the 40s (thanks Felix)

The stiff upper acting is a little off putting but once you get past that it's easy to be intrigued by this film.

A  man  travels to a country cottage where he recognises the guests from his dreams and has premonitions that something terrible is going to happen. In between informing a young guest he will be slapping her sometime in the future and an exuberant amount of chain smoking, 4 spooky tales are told.

The excellent room in the mirror story is stand out for me but I'm sure for most it's the power tripping ventriloquist one, also very good. The 3 other tales are disappointing however, including one based on a HG Wells story (!?) about two golf loving friends that seems to be thrown in for comic relief.


NO - I want to say yes but two words Golf Ghost

Devil Doll

The great Vorelli is a ventriloquist/hypnotist. With his glue on beard and perchance for planting post hypnotic suggestions in woman so that they come to him when he calls (usually in the middle of the night) he's equal parts cruel and sleazy. His ventriloquist act involves him verbally abusing his dummy Hugo, until he talks back. Vorelli then makes him get up and walk unaided to the front of the stage and apologise to the amazed audience.

A reporter seeing Hugo walk by himself decides to discover the secret of the trick and persuades his friend Marianne to to distract Vorelli so he can get a closer look at Hugo.

Unfortunately Marianne is soon coming when Vorelli calls...


YES - hypnotism AND ventriloquism what more do you need

The Changeling

I haven't heard much about this but gave it a watch alone at night and was surprised how creepy it is and also how influential it's been on ghost movies since, movies like The Ring, The Others, The Devils Backbone and Stir of Echoes.

A musician moves to a new town to start fresh and ends up renting an old historical house. He is woken by strange banging and discovers a hidden room upstairs. The mystery of whose room this was and why they still seem to be lingering in the house begins.

Everything that makes this great would never happen in a movie today it's subtle, the main character is an older guy, no jump cuts, no over the top sound effects it's slow paced and there's no swearing - ok apart from son of a bitch.


YES - classy and genuinely scary

Suckerpunch

lady blah blah

After accidentally shooting her younger sister, Babydoll is committed and scheduled to have a lobotomy (which terrifyingly used to be a mainstream treatment for over 2 decades)  At this point she slips into a double fantasy world one where she's trapped in a brothel and from there into a computer game world with boss fights.

This highly stylised film has no humor, likable characters or soul much like the soundtrack with it's horrible cover versions of great songs like Sweet Dreams, Where is my Mind and White Rabbit. This would actually be no problem if you were simply watching it for escapist action but it includes such sleazy depictions of men and such a vapid main protagonist, who looks like a blow up doll, that this just doesn't sit right.

Some of the design is cool, I like the mobile phone charm embellished gun and rabbit faced robot, Zach Snyder is obviously inspired by manga and I'm sure there will be plenty of Baby Doll costumes for Halloween/cosplay.

NO - anime Virginia Andrews novel for the PS3

Eastbound and Down

I hate sports and guys who are dicks but I really enjoyed this show about a guy who plays baseball and happens to be a massive dick.

Danny McBride is Kenny Powers a washed up major league player who returns to his hometown to start again. He's arrogant, delusional has anger management issues and acts like a shit to his family but somehow you end up liking him.

Kenny gets a job as PE teacher (which involves re enacting Thunderdome in the gymnasium) all the while planning to win back his girlfriend and get back in shape for the league.

It's pretty easy to watch this short series in one go but when you get to season 2 don't except more of the same. The creators make a not so successful decision to set the show entirely in Mexico jettisoning all characters except for Kenny oh and Matthew Mcconaughey is in it.


YES - fuck yeah

Boardwalk Empire

what does motherfucker mean?

Set during prohibition in 1920s America this series follows politician Enoch Johnson, the unofficial boss of Atlantic City with a penchant for whores, gambling and bootleg liquor.

This is an incredibly handsome series, the sets and costumes amazing (I love the young men's haircut of shaved undercut with long on top slicked back) it's a fascinating period to spend time in.

Steve Buscemi is fine as Enoch but it's mysterious Michael Pitt as Jimmy who is the star. I've always liked him as an actor since first seeing him on Dawson's Creek and even then he managed to convey psychotic intensity behind a baby face. Like all the great HBO productions it's the eccentricity of characters that make the series and this is no different with the self flagellating obsessive Agent Van Alden and the war vet Richard who wears a painted iron mask and in a stand out scene takes on the role he's born  to do as Jimmy's phantom marksman.

It's only the female characters that let this down and prevent it reaching Deadwood heights. The main character of Margaret is a bore and the vile Lucy is a revolting Paris Hilton of the 20s, it's only Jimmy's mother who comes across as smart and tough.

Bring on Series 2 when no doubt we see Al Capone become a mob boss, Enoch and Margaret become King and Queen of Atlantic city before the inevitable Saint Valentines Day Massacre and the end of prohibition.

YES - a noble experiment indeed

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains

we don't put out

Along with her sister and a very dorky Laura Dern, Corrine and her cousin perform in a 2 guitar no drum band called The Stains. After their first dismal performance Corrine reveals her new persona of black & white hair and red see through top and scores a tour with bands the Metal Corpses and The Looters.

With their new raunchy look and stolen song The Stains gain media attention which is quickly capitalised on by an opportunistic rock promoter who gets them sell out shows and shucks merchandise to the hordes of teenage girls dressed exactly like Corrine.

Featuring real members of the Sex Pistols, The Clash, The Tubes and a young and suprisingly handsome Ray Winstone; this is an interesting film, part mockumentary, part satire on media creations, it never feels like a teen movie.

This was never released and apparently could only be seen on tv sometimes, however you can now track it down pretty easily and it's worth a view.

YES - Diane Lane was 15 when she played Corrine and she's mesmirising.

The Walking Dead - pilot

After his devastating film version of Stephen King's story The Mist, I was keen to see Frank Darabont return to horror and this doesn't disappoint.

Based on a comic, this tells the story of cop Rick Grimes who after waking from a coma discovers the world has gone to shit and he can now see (decomposing) dead people.

This all sounds terrible but it's handled well, Frank creates a sombre tone and it's refreshing to get back to the shuffler zombie instead of energy drink runners.  They're more unsettling and sympathetic, a dead wife returns home pathetically trying to open the door and in a stand out scene Rick follows a still alive torso dragging itself through the park telling it he's "sorry this happened to you"


YES - not sure how this will develop as a television series but this can easily be watched as a stand alone.

Blackswan

 jeezus get some optrex for fucks sake

I don't consider Natalie Portman a good actor but she does seem to have integrity so I don't believe she would choose an "out there" role just to win an oscar like Halle Berry in Monsters Ball. This has received universal good reviews but it's actually pretty average as is Portmans performance.

Fragile Nina is chosen for the lead roll in swan lake however stress and paranoia take it's toll and she becomes increasing delusional.

It's all a bit heavy handed with over the top use of mirror imagery, feathers and shitty talking paintings which is a shame as these overshadow interesting flashes of a doppelganger and some difficult to watch obsessive skin peeling.

I'm sure real world ballerinas will loath the depiction of their world but fuck them this is catty, sleeping your way to the top, pony tail, shoulder shrug, baby jane lesbian cheese.


YES - but for way better pretty girl psycho action check out Repulsion or for a more horrifying self mutilator check out the Piano Teacher

Monsters

Displaced aliens in a mexican safari park

The monsters of the title, huge iridescent cephalopods, only make very brief appearances throughout so it's exciting when they are on screen but this film is concerned with the interaction of the main 2 characters; wealthy tourist Sam and photojournalist Andrew who is charged with escorting her back to the states through alien occupied territory.

Director Gareth Edwards comes from an fx background and like Neil Blomkamp (District 9) he knows how to use cg within it's capabilities and more importantly how to light it.  This is his first feature and it's very impressive considering the low budget.

It's going to be too slow for some viewers and the lack of alien screen time is sure to disappoint people expecting a film like District 9. There's no typical story arc or nicely tied loose ends; not everything is explained and the ending will annoy those who are after all these things but I really enjoyed this and I especially like how the aliens are just messing about doing their own thing in the background.
 
YES - if Terrace Malik directed sci fi he would of made this

My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done

This David Lynch presents film by Werner Herzog doesn't actually have anything to do with David (except for $) but Werner seems to have absorbed his directing style for this film inspired by true events.  

Surreal imagery and strange dialogue make for a stilted but mesmerising viewing experience. I liked it mostly because of Michael Shannon with his boggle eyes and giant head (also great in Runaways and Boardwalk Empire) His character Brad is obviously mentally disturbed but the people around him are ignoring the fact or simply don't see it.

Apparently killing your mother with a samurai sword in a religious fugue isn't that uncommon and since this film there has been more occurrences, most recently the actor Michael Brea (from Ugly Betty) who decapitated his mother while trying to kill a "demon inside her"


YES - cold heart canyon